A Painful Journey

Whilst I write this, I am anguishing in a feeling which is not something new. Feeling - The word acquires a complete new meaning when in pain.

Many a time before I have had this feeling. But its true nature rears its ugly head just once in a while, and when it does, man..... its real depressing. Am talking about the feeling when you have to leave everything that you have ever loved. The feeling that you may never in life get to do all those things you loved doing. The feeling that you may miss out the most important events of your loved ones. Is there any single word to describe these feelings?

My words may lack direction and you may wonder what I am trying to convey. Well, that is exactly how I feel right now. Millions of thoughts popping up. Clear thought overcome by the painful realization that all might be lost forever!! Darn it.

'Idle brain is a devil's workshop' they say. Is it true? I am not sure if it is a devil's workshop, but an idle brain does churn out a lot of things. The moment it is idle, it starts becoming active! confusing? well not exactly. This is what happened: Me sitting Idle and bored. Don't know what to do. I start thinking of why I am bored?(My brain is no more IDLE..it is already in the process of giving me pain) I reminisce about how I used to have fun earlier. Why should I be bored now?
My brain starts giving out flashes of scenes(just like in the movies) as to what lead to this situation. Nostalgia takes over....How great life was earlier!! The fun times flash by. The time spent with loved ones go past. This may never happen again - suggests my brain.Here begins the pain! THIS MAY NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN!!!!!!! - the feeling sinks in slowly.

When you feel down, small things matter a lot. As if feeling this bad was not enough, slow sad songs flow through the comp speakers right on cue. Damn those lyrics. Words magnify pain. If you do not believe me, you should see me right now. I look around for help. I look around for people to talk to. I Look for a way to vent out my feelings. This is the epitome of 'KADI'!!!

Though I am in pain I want to embrace it. Don't ask why. I want to feel very BAD right now. In other words, I want my 'KADI' to progress to 'SOORA KADI'. To feel bad is what I want, and my brain obliges. Pouring in with the ever so small detail which I may never get to do or feel, it increases my pain. I go from a sane creature in pain to an insane emotional wreck. I feel my heart beating faster. I feel like crying out loud. I want to cry like I have never done before. I want to jump off the balcony and break my bones just to feel more pain. And just when I am about to jump off the balcony, I WAKE UP panting heavily.

Was this a Dream or Nightmare? I wondered...

I know that I feel bad about leaving for the US, but this was a real WAKE UP call! Dreams are the true representation of all that is in your subconscious mind. And am glad I feel so bad :-)
Family and friends are my life. Every moment that I have spent with them has made me what I am today. Missing them and feeling bad is something I would definitely embrace. There is nothing wrong in crying for them, I tell myself. A tear trickles down my cheek. I feel HAPPY that I am SAD.

Happy and Sad.... contradictory feelings according to the dictionary, but Complementary in real life. Hmmmm.
Feeling - The word acquires a complete new meaning when in pain